SO I COULD GO TO BED AN HOUR EARLY. OR. I COULD WRITE AN ESSAY ON WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED.

Ticky, if you're wondering, gets the most essays because he pushes the boundaries more than any of my other characters, he does it regularly and frequently in the limelight, and especially recently I'm aware of people ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO HIM. While I am always open for concrit, I do have a fair amount of confidence in how I play him, but that doesn't mean the essays don't help me straighten things out.

But mostly? I assume no one other than me can really keep up with what the fuck is going on with him, hell, sometimes I'm not sure, and I like to offer up the explanation, for the people who watch him, or the people who play with him, or the people who. just like reading essays, I don't know.

WHEN WE LAST LEFT OFF Ticky fucked with Rabi for no real reason. THIS IS STILL FOR NO REAL REASON hell he hasn't even bothered to check on the scar yet. This ULTIMATELY LEAD TO HIS VERY UNTIMELY AND UNDESERVED DEATH IT WAS JUST A FUCKING SCRATCH ON THE NECK YOU FREAKS.

Blahblah HONESTLY the death wasn't a huge deal and it's not what I'm here to essay on \o/ But if you're curious? After he died Ticky reappeared at the moogle where he saves regularly, and habitually pulled out a cigarette and lit up and started walking back. Then, as he was lighting up, noticed that his hands were completely steady, went "I just died and I'm not even very bothered by this" and had one of his rare moments where he disturbs himself with how far gone he is. After THAT he was sort of shaky, down at his core, but not in a way that does anything other than make him chain smoke for the rest of the night. Mika, wanting to keep him company, suggested a sleepover, and while they were hanging out he found out Raph was here.

Raph... honestly Ticky doesn't REALLY care, he's sort of vaguely curious, but Ticky isn't possessive. If he wants something he takes it, he doesn't give two shits if anyone else knows or cares it's his. The only time he feels a need to display his abilities or flaunt his winnings is when he's specifically trying to get a reaction out of someone. Otherwise? Whatever. So. He doesn't care Mika has friends, other friends or better friends, BUT merely TEASING about killing Raph causes Mika to FREAK THE FUCK OUT when Ticky regularly teases about killing Rabi and only pisses Mika off.

This... the GAP didn't bother him, per se, but it made him aware MORE of something he's been aware of for a while and THAT'S what I'm here to talk about.

YOU SEE. The KEY POINT ABOUT TICKY MIKK is that he has two lives and he likes them both more-or-less equally. Infact, the VERY FIRST CONCERN we see him express in canon is that he might not be able to return to his white life, cue CUTE IMAGE of his friends. And I can't stress this enough: However crazy Ticky is, he LIKES his black life, he doesn't WANT to lose it. It's possible that if you KILL HIS NOAH (lol Allen) and force him to return to his white life, he might ultimately be okay with that. But. If you destroyed his black life? He'd still be sad to lose it. If you destroyed his white life? Sad... I don't know if sad is the word, but sort of yes. He WANTS TO KEEP IT. it's a CHOICE. If Ticky wanted to give in completely to the Noah, he could kill people non-stop indefinitely. He would LOVE the moogles because it would let him kill again and again. But he's not, he doesn't. He wants to be Ticky, and he just considers the Noah part of being Ticky, rather than angsting about how he's possessed, he enjoys it.


SO STANDARD WHITE/BLACK EXPLIANTION OUT OF THE WAY? Ticky both loves hanging out with Mika AND would really really love to kill him. He KNOWS this, he's even pretty much okay with it! He has no "omg I want to kill my friend" angst. THAT'S NOT HIS ISSUE.

His issue is that, basically, he hadn't decided what to do. He honestly couldn't quite pick. Kill him or keep him? And it wasn't because, if he killed Mika, Mika would never talk to him again. Mika is dumb and stubborn probably the one person in camp who wouldn't hold it against Ticky and Ticky knows this! Hell, even now he expects that once Mika is fixed up he'll drop by Ticky and they'll pick up where they left off.

No, it's the fact that he... wants to kill his friend specifically because of the Noah, there is no other reason, and if he does that he's basically choosing the black side.

Which, isn't to say he doesn't want to choose his black side! But. There's a line there. He can kill for fun as much as he wants. He can kill people he LIKES, people who aren't his enemies, people who are friends of his friends. But once he hits the point where he's destroying the very people who make up his white life the black life is then going to eventually eat up his white life until it's not there anymore, and it'll get easier and easier every time he does it.

Ticky knows, ultimately, that this is probably going to happen. He isn't a really THINK TO THE FUTURE kinda guy, so, who knows how he feels about that other than that it doesn't matter to him RIGHT NOW. But RIGHT NOW he has to make a choice, and it has to be soon, cuz not deciding was driving him crazier.

When Ticky beat the shit out Mika then wandered around the rubble, smoking and talking to himself, he was choosing. He wasn't aware of it right away, but he was laying it out (as he saw it) and making his choice. To suffer the pleasure of killing Mika, or to forego it so he can keep his white life a while longer still.

Ultimately, he chose to hang onto his white life. It's not a matter of liking White MORE than Black, it's just that eventually Black is going to win. Just. Not today. He has that much power over himself, and that much sanity left.

So, did he save Mika out of pity, friendship, mercy or anything else? No. HE DOESN'T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. AT ALL. He doesn't care that Mika almost went crazy at his hands, he doesn't care that he psychologically and physically tortured the boy, YOU WILL NEVER MAKE HIM FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS because frankly A) Mika MELTED TICKY'S FACE OFF LAST TIME THEY FOUGHT and B) Mika knew it was coming and he's OLDER THAN THE PLANET and you should all quit babying him and C) TICKY IS CRAZY OKAY. But he DID save Mika because Mika is important enough to him to be a friend, and a representation of everything he enjoys about his white life, and to kill him would have been killing a part of himself he isn't ready to give up just yet.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? It's probably more incoherent than usual GOING TO BED NOW